Friday, October 29, 2004

Self Proclaimed President-Elect John Kerry
Has Cake, Eats It Too!

"There were no Weapons of Mass Destruction, but the ones that were there Bush failed to Secure!"

By Mark Connolly
Editor, Dallas Bureau
OK. "The Weapons have left the Building", says John Kerry. At times describing these as WMDs. Which is it? Were there WMDs in Iraq, or weren't there? Does it matter? Not to Kerry. He's been saying all along they were never there. Yet, I read one quote where he called them WMD.

Look at what facts and the truth mean to Kerry. He runs his campaign in a fluid shifting foggy world of Drive By Opionating. The Truth May Be Out There, But He Doesn't Care.

What matters to Kerry is whether or not anything, any soundbite, any bit of unsubstantiated random bit of information, will provide him with a WMD* against Bush. Information is sought and evaluated solely on what potential harm it can cause the President's campaign in these last few days. Truth? Careful evaluation? Bah! Who needs it? Not Kerry, who seems convinced the American Public has a combined IQ even lower than GW, and the memory of a gold fish.

At present it appears very likely that large quantities of these munitions were not there when our troops arrived, having been spirited away by the Russians into Syria (or Libya? does it matter?) a month or more before we got there. These things were tagged by UN inspectors. Why? What were they? The types of detonators used to ram two pieces of weapons grade fissionable materials together, creating a nuclear reaction?

Well, I'm going to say that is exactly what they were. I don't need proof. If a man aspiring to be President of the United States of America won't verify something before presenting it to the American People as fact, WHY SHOULD I?

Anyway, if I am proved to be wrong, I'll just change my mind, and explain that I was misquoted, and that my readership failed to understand nuance, or parody, or irony, or whatever the hell else pops out of my mouth.


*Weapon of Mass Disinformation

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Classic Global Exclaimer

or The Glob Re-gurgitated

By Daver
Chief Cynic and Sarcastic Bastard

In an effort to return the Global Exclaimer to its inane roots, we present the first in an occasional series of Global Exclaimer Classics. This is especially important now as Mark has decided to participate in some bizarre Nanu Nanu Rhino thing and may not be posting regularly.

The article below is the original Daver rant, first published (on paper) in December 2002. At the time, we were reading and hearing about the ridiculous possibility that fast food restaurants might be liable for their fat-ass customers inability to mix in a salad every once in a while.


A poem of a Big Mac, a sandwich so large.
I’ve had so many of them, my friends call me McBarge.
My body is big enough to cruise the Mississip,
because of the burgers that went past my lip.

Who would have known that those twin patties of meat,
would soon cause me to lose sight of my feet.
I have a special craving for that sesame seed bun,
that has pushed my mass up to a quarter ton.

Listen closely now, I don’t want to sound snooty,
but someone’s responsible for the size of my booty.
It’s not my fault that I look like a blimp,
I guess it’s a good thing there is no McShrimp.

Some McDonald named Ronald has created the need,
and provided fatty foods on which I can feed.
They manipulated me into thinking that I,
had to have Big Macs, milkshakes and fries.

I’ll show that McDonald, here’s what I shall do,
I’ll find a scumbag lawyer and together we’ll sue.
This would be sad if it weren’t so freaking funny,
my bulk will soon be buoyed by Ronny Mc’s money!

What has this great country come to? This idea that McDonald’s is responsible for obesity in America’s children is so stinking ridiculous that it sounds like a bad Saturday Night Live sketch, except that Lorne Michaels, producer of such crap such as SNL, Here’s Pat, The Hot Chick, A Night at the Roxbury, etc., would surely pass on an inane sketch about suing a major corporation because of personal stupidity.

Where are the parents in this entire scenario? Were they held at gunpoint by a red-haired clown? I can see it now – Ronald McDonald carjacking a soccer mom and her minivan of preteen girls and forcing them to go to Mickey D’s for a load of fat grams. I think this all comes down to weak parents who are afraid to be parents to their offspring. Instead, they want to be buddies with the kiddies and allow them to eat crappy foods. Heaven forbid that parents might actually see to it that their children get good food to eat!

Really, how responsible is Mickey D’s in this whole thing? I don’t seem to remember seeing any advertising ever that touted ANYTHING on the menu as being good for you. Their sign doesn’t exclaim “Billions of Healthy Burgers Served.” I do remember that they tried once to serve a McLean burger, but it failed miserably. Why did it fail? The McLean failed because of supply and demand (coincidentally, one of the foundations of this great land). Nobody wanted to go to McDonald’s and eat something good for them. The public demands fast, inexpensive, fatty foods and Ron McD is happy to supply it. America, what a country!

The real problem here is that there are lawyers in this country who prey on poor, simple-minded citizens. You see it everywhere – no matter what happens to you, there will be a lawyer ready to convince a jury that it was not your fault. You’ve got cancer because you smoked two cartons a day for twenty years – RJ Reynolds is responsible; you’re as big as a house because you eat fast food for every meal – McDonald’s and Burger King should pay; you’re teenage son goes on a shooting spree because you’re clueless about his life – you should sue Marilyn Manson. The list could go on forever!

If I were in charge (and I should be), I would make these responsibility-dodging parents pay the court costs for McDonald’s and immediately disbar the lawyers involved. Until something like that happens, we are going to continue with these types of lawsuits.

This is just more proof that not everyone should be encouraged to be fruitful and multiply! Maybe lawyers should be spayed and neutered as soon as they pass the bar (hmmmmm?).

That’s it for the rant! I’m off to find someone to sue. God bless America, home of the Oldsmobile 455 cubic inch internal combustion engine!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Public Service Announcement

From Time to Time all Responsible News Outlets publish free Public Service Announcements (PSA) for various deserving non-profit organizations and/or the public at large.

The Glob is no exception to this fine journalistic tradition. So, our first PSA:

The First Annual
Run For the Cure
For Procrastination

Has Been Postponed

Sunday, October 24, 2004

NaNoWriMo - The Gauntlet is Thrown

NaNoBlogMo - The Glob Editor takes up the Gauntlet

By Mark Connolly
Editor, Dallas Bureau
I have decided to enter the National Novel Writing Month challenge of writing 50,000 words of drivel during the month of November. And so, since all my creative fires shall be spent at The Forge of Novelty, there may be nought but a spark available for commentating here on The Glob. Until November 1, I shall continue to write something here, possibly daily; commentary and news stories, etc. After Nov 1, I leave it to my fellow Globsters, Uncle Buck, Daver the Raver, and possibly writings from our Interns, Paddy and Chip for the month of November. Mayhaps Madame Bovarie will add something unusual, and Tiffany, the Haikuiste. Or not, they are a fickle crew.

I shall be blogging all or parts of this event. I'm thinking I'll be writing in Word or something, then maybe post word counts and bits and pieces of what I wrote from each day. Or I may be posting the whole thing to the blog. As you can see, my plan of attack is as well developed as the plot and major characters -- hmmmmm

The blog is reachable by clicking on that little brownish button up there that kind of looks like a malformed humanoid. It is in fact the head of a screaming monkey, though that monkey's gene pool appears to be unclean. Or perhaps that monkey is simply of dubious parentage.

Which, a fuller representation of the Sign Of The Screaming Monkey's Head may be better appreciated by clicking on that link. You will see an artist's rendition of the Actual Sign (Yes, it exists). The artist is TeeVee Aguirre, and whenever he gets his web site up, I shall post a link to him that you may admire his handiwork.

So, wish me luck. I'll try to poke my head in from time to time during the month of November, but I shall be attempting to vomit up 2000 words per day. All that may remain for The Glob are pitiful dry heaves void of content.