Saturday, July 17, 2004

I Will Survivor

Survivor, the Original and Still Champion of "reality" TV shows, is again leading the way in network programming.
By Mark Connolly
Temporary Movie Critic

Mark Burnett, acknowledging that he has many imitators, the most egregious of which are foisted upon the viewing public by rival studios, knows that reality shows have just about run their course. "It is clearly obvious that most of the reality tripe being served to the viewing
public is entirely staged, and even the minutest of interactions are scripted. Actors playing 'normal' poeple is the latest twist. However, this is a one time fix, unless I underestimate the stupidity of the American people... well.. strike that. Anyway, I refuse to lower my
standards. I will continue to serve up reality menudo.

"Just about all the possible permutations have been tried. Fake reality, Real fakery, double blind who's playing and who's acting, etc. The next step is to really fake out everyone, even Jeff Probst, and of course the discerning audience."

Burnett of course refused to comment further, stating that surprise is the only thing he has going for the show. But, disgruntled insider Jeri Manthey, in her hatred of all things Survivor immediately dropped a dime on Burnett as soon as she heard The Glob was on the trail.

"Ok, here's the deal. Since I refused their offers to be on the show yet again, they have had to resort to the cheapest and least imaginative of premises. They are going to have a real celebrity that no one recognizes anymore crash the campsite."

Right about the time she was about to reveal that celebrity, she said she wanted to leave, and ran off.

The Glob doesn't need much of a lead though. We were on it like cowbirds on cows. Now, we don't want to give away anything, but, she had instant fame as a singer songwriter, then went on to play God herself in Dogma. (Really, by the way, you should see this movie.) We have a picture of her in full Survivor regalia, you can just about see her buff.

Woo hoo. As Jay would say "I'm getting half a censored."

I can hardly wait for next season!! Ψ

Friday, July 16, 2004

True/Not True

By Mark Connolly
Editor, Dallas Bureau

Lots of "facts" get posted on the internet, and lots of them are just read and responded to as if they are the real deal. Mostly because the poster uses the psychological tactic of adding scientific sounding statistics to foster uncritical acceptance of what is being said.

The following post starts with an appeal to authority and antiquity, with flavor notes of patriotism (the founding of the USA) and then goes into a bunch of stats which are probably verifiable, but which I have not bothered to verify. Then it leads to a conclusion without stating it, an insidious tactic.

But, since I like what is being said, I forthwith post without any attempt to verify!

I don't remember where I got this, and am unable to attribute it appropriately, beyond what is in the letter itself.

Subject: A History Lesson

At about the time our original 13 states adopted their new constitution, in the year 1787, Alexander Tyler (a Scottish history professor at The University of Edinborough) had this to say about "The Fall of The Athenian Republic" some 2,000 years prior.

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, (which is) always followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the worlds greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:

From Bondage to spiritual faith;

From spiritual faith to great courage;

From courage to liberty;

From liberty to abundance;

From abundance to complacency;

From complacency to apathy;

From apathy to dependence;

From dependence back into bondage."

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the most recent Presidential election:

Population of counties won by:

Gore=127 million (Note from editor, this post conveniently ignores the popular vote count, implying as it does that these are the numbers of people that voted for each candidate...)

Bush=143 million

Square miles of land won by:



States won by:



Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by:



Professor Olson adds:

"In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the tax-paying citizens of this great country. Gore's territory encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off government welfare..."

Olson believes the U.S. is now somewhere between the "apathy" and "complacency" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy; with some 40 percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.


Ignore all the above non-verified stats if you like. The progression reportedly listed by Alexander Tyler seems plausible to me. Which can kind of lead to a discussion of fiscal policy and responsibility, and one, possibly two future articles: The Haves and the Have-nots, the only barrier/stereotype that will not be overcome, and Democrats vs Republicans, who really believes in Human Potential?

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Racial Profiling

Stop the insanity

By Mark Connolly
Editor, Dallas Bureau

We caught up with Racial Profiling in a dark alleyway, where he was hiding. RP as he is known, was reluctant to talk, but once apprised of the credentials of The Global Exclaimer, agreed to this exclusive interview.

The Glob: How did this happen? You hiding in an alley, living off scraps, reviled by all?

RP: Pull up a crate, this is going to take awhile. (Pauses while I find a reasonably sturdy crate…) Ok. As you probably know, I was once a valued resource, a time tested tool, if you will, of various law enforcement agencies. Cool under pressure, efficient, sometimes downright indispensable in tight situations. But, a tool is only as good as the person using it.

The Glob: What do you mean?

RP: You’ve heard the phrase “guns don’t kill people, people kill people”?

The Glob: Yeah, but…

RP: I know, guns do kill people, and sometimes people that kill people wouldn’t succeed if they had to use their bare hands. But, the idea, that a tool can be misused, that’s what I’m getting at.

The Glob: I’ll give you that. But, misused? Come on. What is a legitimate use for you, RP?

RP: It’s like when you need to screw in a screw. There are screw drivers and drills and hammers…

The Glob: Hammers!?

RP: Yeah, hammers. Think about it, if you had to, you could probably connect two pieces of wood together with a screw and a hammer. Granted, it’s not the best or right way, but regardless, in a pinch it would work. You could, if you had to, use a drill to pound nails, right? Basically, where there’s a will, there’s a… What’s that?? (Siren in the background… RP looking all about, a hunted and haunted look in his eye…) Jeez. I can’t used to that. Where was I? Oh, where there’s a will there’s a way.

Ideally, you use the right tool for the right job. But, some people will get lazy, and become reliant on a specific tool. And use it for everything, beyond its intended purpose. Or even just because they can, or due to some kind of character flaw. Musashi warned against this. He said you should have no preferred weapon, as even a high level of proficiency can become a dependence.

The Glob: Who? Wasn’t he some kinda samurai or something?

RP: (Looking very disgusted) He’s MUSASHI, the Japanese Sword Saint Jeez. Do they teach nothing in school? Never mind. (Takes deep breath)

OK, anyway, let’s say there is a robbery of a local convenience store, and someone is shot and killed and some are wounded. The survivors say “It was a tall Swarthy Male, with some sort of scarring on his forehead.” What do the police do? They put out an APB for a tall swarthy male with scarring on his head, and put me on the job looking for anyone fitting the description. So, in the resulting sweep, some recently arrived Ethiopian tribesman two streets over gets arrested, along with a couple of other likely folks. He’s innocent, and can prove it, and is released several hours later. Is he a victim of me? I suppose. But, the police have to do something, right? And if the culprits are caught, then I, Racial Profiling did my job. The temporary inconvenience to a few vs the safety of many is considered to be a valid trade off. By the way, that also works as, "It was a tall blonde with fake breasts." I would go looking for her, and the Ethiopian tribesman is not picked up in the sweep.

The Glob: Well that seems to make sense. So, what happened?

RP: Simple. Some people got lazy and misused me. For example, let’s say that there seems to be a disproportionate number of one particular ethnic group involved in burglary of a habitat. Someone lazy, and or wanting to make a name for himself figures out that if he just pulls over every one in that ethnic group, he will accidentally find someone doing something they are not supposed to do. So, he’s not trying to solve a particular current crime, and he’s not bothering to narrow the focus by asking any questions. He just puts me on the job with the slimmest of criteria. “Hey RP, find me some Mexicans.” So, I do. I’m a tool remember. From there, it is a slippery slope. And people are being stopped for absolutely no reason aside from they fit what I am looking for.

The Glob: Wow. So then what happened then?

RP: Well several things happened along the way, and I became associated with prejudice. And God knows, you can’t be prejudiced, at least not in public. I became almost a cuss word. All anyone has to do is mention my name, and whoever was employing me is assumed to be evil. All thinking has stopped. Just overwrought reaction.

The Glob: Ok, but what drove you underground?

RP: 911.

The Glob: The World Trade Center, etc.?!?

RP: Yep. Just try to defend looking extra hard at someone just because they are middle eastern or muslim. You can’t. You simply can’t. It is not allowed. So, we will stop someone’s grandma at the airport for a full body cavity search, but smugly decline searching through someone else’s luggage because they kind of look like they might be muslim or middle eastern, and, well, that would be prejudiced. For any law enforcement agency to have any credibility, they had to boot me out. (Hangs head, tear falls.)

And (snif) I’m really good. I can be very effective when used intelligently. I, I, … (voice trails off, RP stands and shuffles off.)

The Glob: Eh, good luck, OK? Bye? Ψ

Damn Our Public School System

And their failure in Drug Education

By Mark Connolly
Editor, Dallas Bureau

I am outraged. Our public schools are not doing their duty and ensuring the safety of our children. Everyone knows that AIDS is a severe problem, and that the primary method for getting this disease is through intravenous drug use with used/dirty needles. But is this fact being addressed adequately in our schools? No!

We all know that it is not feasible to simply tell our children to avoid drugs. Kids are kids, and they are going to experiment. There is nothing you can do about human nature. God knows we can’t stifle their minds or future creativity by setting arbitrary barriers. Who’s got time to police all this anyway? No, this is a job best handled by our school systems.

Our children should be taught that when they shoot up heroin, be sure to use a clean needle. In fact sterile syringes should be handed out at our schools. Possibly even pharmaceutical grade heroin. It’s the responsible thing to do.

Now, I can sense that some of you more straitlaced people may be raising an eyebrow, wondering if this is such a good idea.

Hey, get with the program! After all, this is the same approach used to such good effect in the prevention of teen pregnancy in our elementary and high schools! Ψ

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Something Personal

The following is very personal. It involves people that I know, and friends of theirs. It affected me, and I think rightly so. I share here on the Glob as these things matter, and should be thought about. This is not intended to be political in any way. It is intended to be Human.

I have hidden or changed the names involved. I deleted a line or two. The rest is as I received it.

To clarify, the Original Message is from someone I know from The Hunt. In his message he tells briefly about someone he knows, and then relays the email he received from that person.

Finally I have included reaction from Uncle Buck.

-----Original Message-----

Subject: Marine that was killed in Iraq

When I was growing up, one of my friend's brother-n-law was like a big brother to all of us. He and his wife had a little baby when I was about 17.

He grew up and enlisted in the Marines as an 0311 grunt.

This is the email just sent me.




How is it going? We just found out that Johhny was killed Monday. Bob


I was unable to respond to the person that sent me the above.

However, Uncle Buck finally had a response, which follows:

Well I've been stewing for a week trying to come up with something worthwhile to say, but nothing that comes to my mind is really worthy of a life lost in service to our country..

Young guys and girls join the service, and they have their own reasons for doing so. These might include a vague notion of "service to country", but that's normally not the main reason. Most young folks are beyond fear of death, they don't think about death at all. Yet their service and sacrifice is greater than they know. "All give some, some give all" sounds like a cliché, but it's the real deal. Those that serve give up part of their lives, and maybe more, for us.

My son's high school graduated 400 in 2003, about a dozen enlisted. So a few serve so we can all sleep safer at night. Say what you want about the wisdom of going to Iraq, or Afghanistan, or Yugoslavia or anyplace else...but those willing to serve stand in the gap for us. John Stuart Mill had this to say at the close of the War between the States: "War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feelings which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."

My heart and prayers go out to Bob's family and to the memory of Johnny, one of the "better men". We owe them a debt of gratitude that cannot be repaid

We're on the eve of Independence Day. Most of us will cook out and drink beer and watch fireworks. As part of your celebration, take a minute to think of and be thankful for those who can't, either because they're in some God- forsaken corner of the world or no longer among us.

Freedom is not free.

Uncle Buck


Celebration Shuts down The Glob

By Mark Connolly
Editor, Dallas Bureau

The 5th Edition Gala Celebration was apparently conducted on an alternate plane of existence, as it resulted in the total shut down of The Global Exclaimer and all publishing. The lead story planned for this edition, originally scheduled for Aug/Sept of 2003 and once relevant, is not.

Most of the Aug/Sept edition was lost in the catastrophe. New equipment had to be purchased and the format of the paper recreated. Thankfully, Daver maintains his files in a mobious cube, and he is largely to thank for there being any paper at all this quickly. That and this blogging thing, since I went to Windows 2000, and for some reason the high tech features of my Deskjet 722C are unavailable in W2k (although they worked find in W98, like duplex printing for example.)

We forge on. I ask for letters and questions to be sent via: Or, you can post comments in the commenting section available at the end of each post to the Glob Blog.

You can also send your own creative submissions, i.e. prose, poetry, opinions, whatever. Anything to fill this rag with print. And any of which become the property of The Global Exclaimer to be used solely for our own financial gain.

Meanwhile, I have to say I am pleased with the new equipment purchased by The Glob. It’s a much faster computer, and is running Windows 2000 professional, at the moment. The old computer hard drive died, but Erik replaced it, and so I will soon have a network of computers working tirelessly to further my ego-maniacal publication empire designs. (Actually what that really means is that Rosie and Leon will have an alternate computer to use while I am consumed with creative passion.)

We MAY attempt to continue to do a bi-monthly newsletter, and to server our readers the unique blend of reporting and retorting that you have grown to love. Or we may just do this blog thing.

I'm still not sure if Web Logs are the way to go for the newspaper. There are things I think I can do which I haven't figured out yet, like bundle all this into one edition, so as to maybe have the front page of this blog have an article or two then links to the editions. Maybe they have to be separate blogs or something. Dunno yet. But, the Glob is not dead, perhaps metamorphed, and we shall continue the struggle for whatever, blah blah.

I'm also trying to figure out how there can be a letters to the editor section or something for people to post questions to the Spiritual Advocate and etc. Until next time. Ψ

Monday, July 12, 2004

Conservative blogging

As a devout Liberal ;-p, I found the following article most concerning:
Blogging Conservatives!

Howstuffworks "How Blogs Work"

useful intro to the web logs. I like this site. You can find out about all kinds of stuff here: Link me off

Globbing from afar. Or Blogging. Whatever.

Interesting. I enabled being told when a person commented an article, and received these emails.

I confess I don't really know how all this works. It is sort of like a purpose built website, specifically for journaling or logging your thoughts on the web, or web logging, or blogging, you see.

I am sending this to you of course, but I will also cause it to appear as the latest post on the Glob Blog.

Meanwhile, what you wrote was supposedly posted but I don't know where. Daver wrote a self promoting comment congratulating the author of the cage match article, and that comment showed up.

Perhaps you can tell me what article you commented, or whatever. Meanwhile, this is not intended to replace the Global Exclaimer, but rather to be an adjunct to it. How that may work remains to be seen.

I've noticed also, that things seem to post slowly, which I'm sure is affected to some degree by the fact this blogspot is free.

Ciao dude.


>>> Uncle Buck <> 12-Jul-04 10:39:17 AM >>>
OK, i guess it worked.

i'm only here because of the similarity of GLOB and BLOG, which seems significant somehow. has this replaced the exclaimer? is this better than a website like that of the HUNT? do these things go on forever or do they end someday?

Posted by Uncle Buck to The Glob Blog at 7/12/2004 10:43:54 AM

Sunday, July 11, 2004

The Spiritual Advocate

The Eye is Open

Dear Spirit Dude, What did you learn from the whole Janet Jackson Boob Incident?
- Wondering

Dear Wondering, What I learned is that in the United States a white man can forcibly rip the clothing from a black woman, and the black woman will be reviled and scorned and the white man will suffer no consequences whatsoever.

Dear Spiritual Advocate, What did you learn from the Matrix movies?
- Neowannabe

Dear Neowannabe, I learned that sometimes, no matter how badly a movie seems to scream for a sequel, it should not be made. Especially twice.

Yo, Eyeball dude person, can societies be immoral or moral?
- Pontious

Dear Pontious, No soundbite answers available here. This requires some set up and some sort of starting point that we can agree upon.

First we need to determine what is meant by society and what is meant by moral or immoral. You may find it odd that I shall choose to use circular definitions as it may be most beneficial to view the two concepts as being interrelated and codependent. One problem with Western thought is the tendency to strip things down and attempt to isolate them from anything else in order to gain insight into their ‘true’ essence. Ignoring the fact that some sort of interrelatedness is part of, or perhaps in fact is, our true essence.

Society being a word used to describe the actions and purposes of multiple persons, definitions of society involve how society is ordered towards individuals. It is therefore written:
“Society ensures social justice when it provides the conditions that allow associations or individuals to obtain what is their due, according to their nature and their vocation. Social justice is linked to the common good and the exercise of authority.”
But, what is ‘the common good’? And what is this about the ‘exercise of authority’? It is written: “By ‘authority’ one means the quality by virtue of which persons or institutions make laws and give orders to men and expect obedience to them.

“Every human community needs an authority to govern it. The foundation of such authority lies in human nature. It is necessary for the unity of the state. Its role is to ensure as far as possible the common good of the society.”

Common good again.

And so it is written further: “A society is a group of persons bound together organically by a principle of unity that goes beyond each one of them. As an assembly that is at once visible and spiritual, a society endures through time: it gathers up the past and prepares for the future. By means of society, each man is established as an ‘heir’ and receives certain ‘talents’ that enrich his identity and whose fruits he must develop. He rightly owes loyalty to the communities of which he is part and respect to those in authority who have charge of the common good.”

Hmmm. Authority and common good again.

We shall leave this for now and allow some digestion and some questioning. We shall take this up in the next issue.

Major Happenings at Texas Cage Match

By Jim Bob Jones
Guest columnist and
damn fine dent puller
at the body shop

So I’m waiting for a couple of months for this stinking Texas Cage Match between Opie and that little piss-ant Daver. I have been so excited about Daver’s upcoming butt stomping that I haven’t been able to focus on my work down at Bubba’s Bumper Bungalow. Luckily, most of my customers are at least one enchilada short of a combo platter down at Taco Loco, so they rarely notice my crappy work.

I get to the arena early to stake out a good seat, maybe get close enough to get splattered with a little blood as Opie beats the Jedi crap out of Daver. I make my way down close to the ring and find all these hoity-toity, fairy looking men in tuxedos sitting in seats marked “Reserved” down close. What the hell is that? I was about to get really upset when I noticed that each of these lucky bastards was sitting next to some chick with some serious knockers. I mean, they were barely contained in a low-cut gown. Maybe I should call them lucky stiffs, if you know what I mean. I should have known that this would be a weird event if the society crowd was here. Little was I to know that those snotty society geeks would be a part of a life changing experience.

Finally, the house fills up and ass-kicking time arrives. The air was hot and humid and began to smell of testosterone and sweat as the pre-match entertainment wound down. I knew it was time to start when a very serious hotty entered the ring and introduced herself as Paddy. Damn! Made me forget about the hooters on the front two rows. That chick was so hot, I’d drink her bath water! She began the introductions with that little know-it-all bastard Daver. Who the hell does he think he is? Does he think I give a rat’s ass about his opinion? I can’t wait to see him get killed tonight. Anyway, after she introduces him, he comes out in some dark satin robe with a hood, trying to look all bad-ass or something. Then they start playing that Darth Vader song from Star Wars, gimme a break. Go ahead Daver, just a few more minutes and BAM, your ass is gonna be grass, you little freak!

Finally, I am drawn back to Paddy and her rockin’ bod. Damn! Hell, I’d even listen to the phone book if she was reading it. She introduces Opie and begins to jump up and down excitedly. Damn again! Paddy is, as my friend Jam Master Tyrone would say, one “fly-ass cootchie!” My attention is pulled away from my libido-induced Nirvana as I look back to find Opie enter wearing a red, white & blue robe, looking like Rocky Balboa about to kill that arrogant bastard Mr. T. I even hear the music from Rocky. This is gonna be great! Go get’em dude!

The conqueror and victim enter the ring and stare each other down. Daver has to be on a step-stool, just to be able to see Opie’s eyes. Little pip-squeak! Loud music blasting, lights flashing, knockers on my left, hooters on my right, Paddy in the ring; it just don’t get much better than this. I am ready for some serious bloodshed!

Paddy exits the ring just as a hush falls over the massive crowd. Opie and Daver are still in the center of the ring in a stare-fest as the cage comes down around them. The lights dim. Still staring. You can almost hear the pulse of the crowd, waiting for the beating to start. Still staring. Just then that loud-mouthed announcer dude steps up to the microphone and belts out “Lllllllllettttt’s get ready to rhumbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Wait, what did he say? Rhumba? What the hell is that? It’s rumble! I WANNA SEE A RUMBLE! The combatants drop their robes as Daver motions toward the roof and a freakin’ mirrored ball drops from above the ring. Now Daver has on a little miniature tuxedo, looks like he got it from Barbie’s gay pal Ken. Opie, no, say it ain’t so, man! Opie has on a pink chiffon, sequined floor-length ball gown slit high on the side, with delightful, understated red rose accoutrements on the shoulders. AAAAAGGGGHHH! Oh, the humanity! Wait, how did I miss this? There is a full symphony orchestra off to my right. The orchestra begins to play some kind of weird ballroom dance music – I still can’t describe it, but those society geeks in the front seemed to know it. Oh, man, I need a drink. Where is the beer dude when you need him?

There is no sound from the audience as we watch in stunned amazement as Opie and Daver look like Fred and Ginger gliding across the mat. Oh my lord, what is happening? Somehow, despite the height difference, Daver manages to “dip” Opie in a surprisingly graceful move. The crowd begins to sense something really special occurring here. After a few minutes, I myself am transformed by the sheer beauty of the dance. I begin to see that the dance has brought two enemies together. They move as one across the ring as we stare in awe of the grace and elegance on display before us. If Daver and Opie can put aside their differences, I should be able to lay down my old ways and appreciate my fellow man. I come upon the realization that it was wrong for me to lust after the delightful young society ladies and their low-cut gowns, and I am suddenly ashamed that I never wondered what kind of brilliant mind resides within the lovely Paddy.

The dance ends! Daver bows, Opie curtsies gracefully. We all clap politely, yet enthusiastically. I notice that, instead of a beer dude, a waiter with wine and cheese has appeared. How refreshing! Suddenly, without any prompting, every member of the audience turns to their neighbor and gives them a big hug as we begin to sing “We are the World.” I make friends with a tall, turbaned man from the Middle East and apologize for my improper judgment that he was just a towel-headed terrorist. He smiles back, accepts my apology, announces that he loves America, and offers me a ride in his cab. It was positively the most uplifting, mind-altering event of my life.

Sure, a part of me was bummed that there was no bloodshed, but I think everyone there came away a little more enlightened and tolerant of others as a result of being present for “The Dance.” Ψ

Home Owner's Disassociation.

By Daver the Raver
Staff Political Poet

Hello loyal readers. After a 1 issue break for Cage Match training, I am back with another opinion about the world that revolves around me. But first, if you haven’t read the report about my Cage Match with Opie, please stop this article and read the account now. I’ll wait.

No really, I’m serious, I’ll wait. Go on, I’ll be here when you get back. (softly humming “Bad to the Bone” now)

As you can see, some rather amazing events unfolded. I determined that Opie is just a young, impressionable young man who had made the mistake of following the dark path sent forth by our editor. I have decided to take young Opie into my tutelage and instruct him in the ways of The Farce. The Ffarce is quite strong in him. As part of his training, I have given him a new name; he is now Opie Juan Canoli. I shall provide occasional updates on his progress.

As for my rant – I have had an overabundance of crap to rant about since I last spouted my thoughts about the world, but just recently I saw something totally ridiculous that really got my blood boiling.

I saw a news story out of Southlake, Texas that really hacked me off. For those of you who do not live in the great state of Texas, Southlake is a small town between Dallas and Fort Worth, on the Fort Worth side. It seems that Homeowner’s Associations are big in Southlake, as the town has enjoyed pretty good growth in the past decade and many people bought nice homes in these little Utopian neighborhoods.

You’re probably wondering what the problem might be, aren’t you? Well, here it is; a totally over-zealous Homeowner’s Association, hereafter referred to as Communist Dictator Bastards, has informed a brave war veteran of our United States Armed Services that he may not fly Old Glory everyday in front of his home. The evil Communist Dictator Bastards have told the entire community that the flag of the United States of America may only be flown on designated holidays. America, what a country!

Am I alone in thinking this is an outrage? How about the irony here? This man risks his life to join the military, go overseas and do his duty, not knowing if he will ever set foot on American soil again, and then returns home to be told he can’t fly the very symbol of freedom that gave the Communist Dictator Bastards the right to make that decision. How must this guy feel? I’ll bet he wants to go down to the next board meeting and go all Rambo on their ass.

As I see it, the real problem is Homeowner’s Associations in general. I have never liked them, and I never will. I agree with the concept that they should work to maintain property values, but most of them overdo it. Does anyone want their neighbor painting his house neon-green? I would hope not. That is what the Communist Dictator Bastards should be doing, keeping the local hippy pot-heads from screwing up the neighborhood. That being said, I don’t need some power-hungry, pencil-pushing geek on my neighborhood Politburo making me submit landscaping plans because I want to plant roses in my fenced-in backyard. No one but my stereotypical American family will ever see the roses anyway, so why the hell should little Junior Stalin and his comrades care? If they want to tell me what to do with my house, then they can damn well make a few of those 360 freaking mortgage payments!

You should have seen the size of the Communist Dictator Bastard’s rule book in that news story! The book was so big that Seabiscuit couldn’t have jumped over it. The thing was obviously written by people with too much time on their hands. I’ll bet some of them were even lawyers!

If I were in charge, and I should be, I would make that evil Communist Dictator Bastard board get down on their knees on live television and kiss our brave soldier’s ass in thanks for his service. Then I would have them castrated so they could breed more little Communist Dictator Bastards. Without our brave hero, they might actually be answering to real Communist Bastards. Let the man fly his flag whenever the hell he wants, it’s his right. I think he’s earned it!

Just think about it. Does the fact that he is flying his flag everyday lower the property values in their little Xanadu? Could this situation be more ridiculous?
God Bless America, God bless our President, and God bless our armed forces!

On an unrelated note - Did anyone who saw the Cage Match think that Opie looked a little too comfortable in that floor length gown? It kind of freaked me out, but that’s another rant for another time. Ψ

The Retail Republican

The Glob Staff Mourns The Departure Of The Retail Republican (1984-2004)

Unbeknownst to many Glob readers, the Retail Republican was an inspiration to The Glob’s editorial staff. Many staff meetings were spent discussing current events with the Retail Republican, and even more staff meetings were spent discussing additional ways the resident conservative could contribute to the publication.

Now, after almost 20 years in the retail sector, The Retail Republican has decided to move on and pursue other interests. We here at the Glob wish him the best of luck, while simultaneously hoping that it was not our actions that caused this major life change in our former colleague. Perhaps the introduction of the “drive-by” interview at our last staff meeting was not as successful as we had hoped.

In order to fill the void left by the Retail Republican’s retirement (say that 5 times fast), the staff at the Glob has already been in talks with possible replacements. Daver has been appointed to head the search team and has vowed to leave no stone un-levitated in his search for the most qualified journalist (patsy) to join the staff.

Anyone interested in filling the void left by the Retail Republican should think really hard about it and send a telepathic message to Daver personally. Daver will respond in a suitable manner.

Daver the Raver

Movie Review: The Passion of The Christ

I am a practicing Roman Catholic. I make this announcement because I am not going to pretend that I don’t have some bias or predilection regarding this movie or the subject matter.

However, I think religious affiliation is almost irrelevant. The movie is the movie, and you should really go to see it and pay little or no attention to reviewers and what they have to say. Including me. We all have our agendas.

I have decided to rail against some of the crap I’ve read in other reviews, then offer my review.

Mel as Anti-Semite

I note that to date, there has been no pogrom against the Jew. Nor will there be, in my opinion. The film’s message is not one of hate. The statements that he and his father are worse than the Germans (Howard Stern) or that the movie is ‘virulently anti-Semitic’ as quoted by some rabbi whose name I can’t recall seem specious and inflammatory, and driven by hate.

“Worse than the Germans…” would imply that Mel and his dad have been directly responsible for more than 6 million Jew Deaths. “Virulently anti-Semitic” would imply a specific and unmistakable Hate message to be conveyed, along with specific direction of how to deal with the Jew Threat, such as murder, extortion, violence, seizing of property, etc.

Clearly the sewage of rhetoric emptying from 4 ft. diameter pipes into the rivers of our collective conscious requires capping.

Mel as Discipline Fetishest

I’ve seen 4 different reviewers , apparently dipping from the same sewage contaminated well, describe the flagellation as being handled with a “fetishist's eye” and turning the movie into some sort of nearly X-rated bondage and discipline flick.

A quick glance in my American Heritage Dictionary provided three meanings for ‘fetish’. “1. An object superstitiously believed to have magical powers, esp. of protection. 2. An object of unreasonably excessive attention or reverence. 3. Something, such as a material or object or an often non-sexual part of the body that aroused or gratifies sexual desire.”

I will grant that definition 2 might apply in this case, from a skewed perspective. However, given the prurient nature of our society, and the tendency to write for sound-bites rather than for understanding, I assume that the reviewers are referring to sex.

One of these was a Presbyterian minister! I am not sure what that says about that man’s theology, or his personal life.

Mel as Action/Adventure Actor/Director

Several reviewer’s wrote things such as “ is not surprising that Mel, an action/adventure movie star and director, made an action/adventure Jesus movie.”

I don’t even know what that means. Reference to a “big strapping Jesus…” and “blood and guts Jesus hero in the action/adventure tradition…” leave me scratching my head.

Perhaps Bruce Willis should have been cast as Jesus in Die Hard, The Passion.

Mel as Director with a Vision

One potential interpretation of this movie is that of Mel as someone wanting to make a movie about something personally important to him, and financing it himself because it was that important to him.

Yeah, I know it’s more exciting to critique a movie about some mouth-breathing thugs being transported into sexual ecstasy by scourging some big strapping man. But, as boring as it may sound, I think the simple truth is: This movie is about the last 12 hours of Jesus’ life as reported in the Bible. Note I did not say it was The Gospel. It is after all a movie. There are things in this movie not directly in The Bible, and vice a versa. Still, it is what it is, and what it is is one man’s vision of the events recounted in the 4 Gospels.

The scourging, which is painful to watch, doesn’t have anything on the Friday the 13th, Freddy Krueger or Halloween movies.

No one has lined up to question the need for the blood and gore in those movies. What fascinates me is that the violence in those movies is for no reason other than to horrify/titillate the viewer. The violence in The Passion is an integral part of His-story, and there is a reason for it. Yet people were quick to fault Mel for “unnecessary violence.”

As if the artistic merits of Freddy Krueger killing semi nude nubile teenagers warrants gallons of indiscriminately spilled blood while the scourging and crucifixion of Jesus to save all of humanity doesn’t? Oy vey.

Look up the word “scourge”. Ok, I’ll look it up for you: “1. A whip used to inflict punishment. 2. A means of inflicting severe suffering, vengeance or punishment.”

You read something that says that someone was “scourged” and what kind of mental image does it bring up? For me, prior to this movie, it was a clearly painful but survivable punishment designed to chastise someone. I was not afraid of being scourged.

Now I am. The movie portrays a scourging at the hands of professionals. For me, anyway, the brutality of a scourging could not be adequately conveyed in mere words.
So, what was all that about then anyway? Well, to really answer that you have to get into the religious aspect of this movie, and the purpose of Jesus Christ.

That topic is off limits for most movie reviewers because it requires of them to delve into areas thought to be somehow incorrect in these extremely odd politically correct days. And, they may find themselves expressing ideas that are perhaps unpopular, and maybe dangerous to their careers. And that may be why most of the reviews I have seen have been truly shallow, and of very little substance. This is a religious movie with no agenda beyond a portrayal of the last 12 hours of Jesus’ life. No conclusions are drawn. The story is just told, in Homeric fashion. The conclusions are left to the audience to draw for themselves.

Some questions that a person might ask, regardless of background and upbringing:

Who was this person?
Did this really happen?
Why did anyone want him dead?
Why was it so horrible?
What’s the deal with the water when they poked him in the side?
What’s up with the end of the movie? Wasn’t he dead?

Look it up! Go read the context of this story. There is a reason for why it happened, every bit of it. You may not like what you read or think it is all some childish fairy tale. But, you might be surprised. The story is remarkably simple and self-consistent. When’s the last time you thought seriously about God, or talked with anyone about God?

You may find Psalm 22 interesting. It’s the same in the Tanakh as well. Ψ

Web Presence

To the loyal readers of The Glob (The Global Exclaimer) I give you this blog. More to come.