Classic Global Exclaimer

or The Glob Re-gurgitated

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By Daver
Chief Cynic and Sarcastic Bastard

In an effort to return the Global Exclaimer to its inane roots, we present the first in an occasional series of Global Exclaimer Classics. This is especially important now as Mark has decided to participate in some bizarre Nanu Nanu Rhino thing and may not be posting regularly.

The article below is the original Daver rant, first published (on paper) in December 2002. At the time, we were reading and hearing about the ridiculous possibility that fast food restaurants might be liable for their fat-ass customers inability to mix in a salad every once in a while.

Enjoy!

A poem of a Big Mac, a sandwich so large.
I’ve had so many of them, my friends call me McBarge.
My body is big enough to cruise the Mississip,
because of the burgers that went past my lip.

Who would have known that those twin patties of meat,
would soon cause me to lose sight of my feet.
I have a special craving for that sesame seed bun,
that has pushed my mass up to a quarter ton.

Listen closely now, I don’t want to sound snooty,
but someone’s responsible for the size of my booty.
It’s not my fault that I look like a blimp,
I guess it’s a good thing there is no McShrimp.

Some McDonald named Ronald has created the need,
and provided fatty foods on which I can feed.
They manipulated me into thinking that I,
had to have Big Macs, milkshakes and fries.

I’ll show that McDonald, here’s what I shall do,
I’ll find a scumbag lawyer and together we’ll sue.
This would be sad if it weren’t so freaking funny,
my bulk will soon be buoyed by Ronny Mc’s money!

What has this great country come to? This idea that McDonald’s is responsible for obesity in America’s children is so stinking ridiculous that it sounds like a bad Saturday Night Live sketch, except that Lorne Michaels, producer of such crap such as SNL, Here’s Pat, The Hot Chick, A Night at the Roxbury, etc., would surely pass on an inane sketch about suing a major corporation because of personal stupidity.

Where are the parents in this entire scenario? Were they held at gunpoint by a red-haired clown? I can see it now – Ronald McDonald carjacking a soccer mom and her minivan of preteen girls and forcing them to go to Mickey D’s for a load of fat grams. I think this all comes down to weak parents who are afraid to be parents to their offspring. Instead, they want to be buddies with the kiddies and allow them to eat crappy foods. Heaven forbid that parents might actually see to it that their children get good food to eat!

Really, how responsible is Mickey D’s in this whole thing? I don’t seem to remember seeing any advertising ever that touted ANYTHING on the menu as being good for you. Their sign doesn’t exclaim “Billions of Healthy Burgers Served.” I do remember that they tried once to serve a McLean burger, but it failed miserably. Why did it fail? The McLean failed because of supply and demand (coincidentally, one of the foundations of this great land). Nobody wanted to go to McDonald’s and eat something good for them. The public demands fast, inexpensive, fatty foods and Ron McD is happy to supply it. America, what a country!

The real problem here is that there are lawyers in this country who prey on poor, simple-minded citizens. You see it everywhere – no matter what happens to you, there will be a lawyer ready to convince a jury that it was not your fault. You’ve got cancer because you smoked two cartons a day for twenty years – RJ Reynolds is responsible; you’re as big as a house because you eat fast food for every meal – McDonald’s and Burger King should pay; you’re teenage son goes on a shooting spree because you’re clueless about his life – you should sue Marilyn Manson. The list could go on forever!

If I were in charge (and I should be), I would make these responsibility-dodging parents pay the court costs for McDonald’s and immediately disbar the lawyers involved. Until something like that happens, we are going to continue with these types of lawsuits.

This is just more proof that not everyone should be encouraged to be fruitful and multiply! Maybe lawyers should be spayed and neutered as soon as they pass the bar (hmmmmm?).

That’s it for the rant! I’m off to find someone to sue. God bless America, home of the Oldsmobile 455 cubic inch internal combustion engine!