Editor, Dallas Bureau
Dateline: New Jersey
The latest concept in the Walmart Universe opened last Thursday in this idyllic suburb of New Jersey. Heinz Klempt, The Regional Manager, gave a rousing speech prior to the store's opening. He explained the new format, and their designs for the future, to an enthusiastic crowd.
"We have ways of making you shop!" he said. Cheers and clapping. "Our customers will have what they want, and what they want is what we want them to have. Our needs are intertwined; what is good for ÜberMart is good for the Homeland!" More Cheers, and foot stomping.
In a symbolic gesture demonstrating their committment to low prices, a minimum wage employee was thrown to the crowd. Amid cries of "Higher Wages mean Higher Prices!" the crowd efficiently convinced the employee to be Happy In His Work.
Flushed with pride, Mr. Klempt ordered the ribbon cut. The crowd marched in, methodically chanting, "ÜberMart! ÜberMart!" Their shopping privileges had begun.
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