Sunday, July 11, 2004

Home Owner's Disassociation.

By Daver the Raver
Staff Political Poet

Hello loyal readers. After a 1 issue break for Cage Match training, I am back with another opinion about the world that revolves around me. But first, if you haven’t read the report about my Cage Match with Opie, please stop this article and read the account now. I’ll wait.

No really, I’m serious, I’ll wait. Go on, I’ll be here when you get back. (softly humming “Bad to the Bone” now)

As you can see, some rather amazing events unfolded. I determined that Opie is just a young, impressionable young man who had made the mistake of following the dark path sent forth by our editor. I have decided to take young Opie into my tutelage and instruct him in the ways of The Farce. The Ffarce is quite strong in him. As part of his training, I have given him a new name; he is now Opie Juan Canoli. I shall provide occasional updates on his progress.

As for my rant – I have had an overabundance of crap to rant about since I last spouted my thoughts about the world, but just recently I saw something totally ridiculous that really got my blood boiling.

I saw a news story out of Southlake, Texas that really hacked me off. For those of you who do not live in the great state of Texas, Southlake is a small town between Dallas and Fort Worth, on the Fort Worth side. It seems that Homeowner’s Associations are big in Southlake, as the town has enjoyed pretty good growth in the past decade and many people bought nice homes in these little Utopian neighborhoods.

You’re probably wondering what the problem might be, aren’t you? Well, here it is; a totally over-zealous Homeowner’s Association, hereafter referred to as Communist Dictator Bastards, has informed a brave war veteran of our United States Armed Services that he may not fly Old Glory everyday in front of his home. The evil Communist Dictator Bastards have told the entire community that the flag of the United States of America may only be flown on designated holidays. America, what a country!

Am I alone in thinking this is an outrage? How about the irony here? This man risks his life to join the military, go overseas and do his duty, not knowing if he will ever set foot on American soil again, and then returns home to be told he can’t fly the very symbol of freedom that gave the Communist Dictator Bastards the right to make that decision. How must this guy feel? I’ll bet he wants to go down to the next board meeting and go all Rambo on their ass.

As I see it, the real problem is Homeowner’s Associations in general. I have never liked them, and I never will. I agree with the concept that they should work to maintain property values, but most of them overdo it. Does anyone want their neighbor painting his house neon-green? I would hope not. That is what the Communist Dictator Bastards should be doing, keeping the local hippy pot-heads from screwing up the neighborhood. That being said, I don’t need some power-hungry, pencil-pushing geek on my neighborhood Politburo making me submit landscaping plans because I want to plant roses in my fenced-in backyard. No one but my stereotypical American family will ever see the roses anyway, so why the hell should little Junior Stalin and his comrades care? If they want to tell me what to do with my house, then they can damn well make a few of those 360 freaking mortgage payments!

You should have seen the size of the Communist Dictator Bastard’s rule book in that news story! The book was so big that Seabiscuit couldn’t have jumped over it. The thing was obviously written by people with too much time on their hands. I’ll bet some of them were even lawyers!

If I were in charge, and I should be, I would make that evil Communist Dictator Bastard board get down on their knees on live television and kiss our brave soldier’s ass in thanks for his service. Then I would have them castrated so they could breed more little Communist Dictator Bastards. Without our brave hero, they might actually be answering to real Communist Bastards. Let the man fly his flag whenever the hell he wants, it’s his right. I think he’s earned it!

Just think about it. Does the fact that he is flying his flag everyday lower the property values in their little Xanadu? Could this situation be more ridiculous?
God Bless America, God bless our President, and God bless our armed forces!

On an unrelated note - Did anyone who saw the Cage Match think that Opie looked a little too comfortable in that floor length gown? It kind of freaked me out, but that’s another rant for another time. Ψ

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